Golf Pet Peeve: The Wannabe Golf Instructor

Robert Bruce of Game Under Repair has something he needs to get off his chest. Maybe you can relate.

By Robert Bruce
Special to ARMCHAIR GOLF

RIGHT OFF THE CLUB, you know it’s going to be a bad shot. The ball starts left, continues hooking left, and disappears into the thick woods 15 yards left of the fairway. You’re frustrated, maybe even a little pissed. This hook has been driving you crazy.

As you reach down to pick up your tee, you hear a voice behind you: “Know what you did wrong there, don’t you? Your stance is too narrow, and you’re not keeping your head down. And that grip of yours. Look at that grip.”

Meet The Wannabe Golf Instructor.

I think there are two unwritten rules in golf instruction: First, never give unsolicited advice. Second, never EVER give unsolicited advice to a better golfer. But The Wannabe Golf Instructor scoffs at such unwritten rules. The Wannabe Golf Instructor knows just enough about golf to make him dangerous.

His own golf swing has more flaws than Tim Tebow’s throwing motion, but he watches the Golf Channel religiously, making him the self-appointed mouthpiece of all things related to golf swing instruction. He’s a close relative to the The Golf Channel Guy. He has a library of Hank Haney, Butch Harmon, and David Leadbetter instructional videos. His swing is mechanical and slow. His scores suck. He putts like a bull in a china store. And, yeah, that probably doesn’t make much sense.

The Wannabe Golf Instructor has zero self-awareness. None. The Wannabe Golf Instructor offers unsolicited golf instruction at every opportunity. Even though he averages a 98, he will freely offer poor advice to a 10 handicap on the driving range. He will sit in the bar and analyze Ernie Els’ shoulder turn and Justin Leonard’s putting stroke.

You’ll nod your head and act like you’re listening. That is, until he tells breaks down your swing after that nasty hook on the 4th hole. Then, you might just have to tell The Wannabe Golf Instructor to shut up. Good luck with that.

Robert Bruce is a full-time writer and part-time golf blogger in Nashville, Tennessee. Visit his golf blog at www.gameunderrepair.com.

(Image: klavr/Flickr)

Golf Pet Peeve: The Golf Ball Finder Guy

Robert Bruce of Game Under Repair has something he needs to get off his chest. Maybe you can relate.

By Robert Bruce
Special to ARMCHAIR GOLF

WHAT IS IT CALLED? You’ve seen it: the long skinny rod with the three-pronged or circular attachment on the end. It sticks out of some golfers’ golf bags like an awkward 13-year-old at a middle-school dance. I call this device the “golf ball picker upper,” but it could probably be better known as the “six-hour round of golf detector.”

When you see one of these strange machinations in a playing partner’s bag, then you only need to do one thing: run! Run like the wind. Run like Usain Bolt being chased by a cheetah. Run.

The man who owns this device is the Golf Ball Finder Guy. And he has one mission on the golf course: finding golf balls. Whether it’s a beaten up and bruised Titleist Balata, circa 1995, a brand new Pro V1, or a Top Flite XL with the Dingleberry Family Reunion logo on its side, the Golf Ball Finder Guy loves to search for golf balls.

Behind a tree? He’ll find it. Plugged into a muddy bank? He’ll find it. In a yard? He’ll find it. In a groundhog’s hole? He’ll find it. In fact, the only ball the Golf Ball Finder Guy doesn’t care about is the one he is currently playing. He treats every lost golf ball as if he is an archeologist digging for a Mayan relic.

Pace of play? Score? Camaraderie? All of these things are nuisances to the Golf Ball Finder Guy. You’re on the green, waiting. He’s somewhere in the shrubs adjacent to the fairway, giddy about finding the Titleist DT 90 with the AT&T logo. He will ruin your score, your patience, and your reputation—once everyone at your course or club realizes you were in the group that played a six-hour round and had the crazy guy who was always in the woods.

So, next time you see this guy on the first tee—just run. Don’t wait around. Don’t ask questions. Don’t hesitate. Run and never look back.

Robert Bruce is a full-time writer and part-time golf blogger in Nashville, Tennessee. Visit his golf blog at www.gameunderrepair.com.

(Image: Sameli/Flickr)

Golf Pet Peeve: The Drunken Wedding Party

Robert Bruce of Game Under Repair has something he needs to get off his chest. Maybe you can relate.

By Robert Bruce
Special to ARMCHAIR GOLF

NOTHING IRKS ME MORE than a drunk person on a golf course. The only thing worse is 15 drunk 20-something hackers on a golf course the day before a wedding. The Friday golf outing before a wedding has become, in some circles, as much a part of the wedding weekend as the rehearsal dinner and reception.

It’s a great idea: The groom takes all of his groomsmen, plus a few other friends and family members, out for an 18-hole round on the day before the wedding. The point, of course, is to have a little fun and get his mind off the life-changing event less than 24 hours away.

But here’s the problem. Within this group of a dozen or so testosterone-filled males, you might have one or two guys who actually know a minimal amount of golf etiquette. The rest of this crew is like a bunch of Gomer Pyles in a five-star restaurant—totally out of their element. Usually, this golf outing takes place on a fairly nice, pricey golf course. The result? Fifteen drunk guys on a $100-dollar-a-round track.

Case in point: A few weeks ago, my father-in-law was playing on a course in Florida. It was just a nice, casual round with a relative. On the first tee, the cart girl was practically attacked by several guys looking to load up on Jack and Jim. Within a few holes, the guys were driving over tee boxes, spinning out in fairways, and ramming carts into trees. Redneck alert! By the 12th hole, the group was thrown off the course—and hopefully banned from playing there in the future.

If you’re on a goat track public course, then go for it. Party away. But if you’re on an extremely nice course—and, in this case, next to an extremely nice hotel—then have some common decency. As I’ve said, very few things piss me off more than drunk people on the golf course. I encountered plenty of these fellows when I worked as a cart guy during college. I’m not a fan.

I’ll admit, my other golf pet peeves just annoy me. This one makes me downright angry. A round of golf takes an investment of time and money. Nothing can make you feel like you wasted that time and money like a bunch of wedding-party drunks. At least save the shenanigans for Saturday night.

Robert Bruce is a full-time writer and part-time golf blogger in Nashville, Tennessee. Visit his golf blog at www.gameunderrepair.com.

(Image: gfpeck/Flickr)