God Puts Long Putter in Bag

THE GROWING POPULARITY OF THE long putter has now spread from country club gates to the pearly gates, as God Almighty announced in a statement that he has added the “broomstick” to his set after a few experimental practice sessions. The creator of the universe has watched with interest as players have won with long putters for three consecutive weeks on the PGA Tour.

Adam Scott was the first, rolling to an impressive win at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational. PGA Tour rookie Keegan Bradley followed, winning the PGA Championship with a belly putter in his first major appearance. And on Sunday in Greensboro, North Carolina, Webb Simpson claimed his maiden PGA Tour victory using a long putter.

The strong momentum of the long putter among the professional ranks caught the attention of God—who historically is not easy to impress—and was the impetus for the switch.

The Lord admitted that he putted “very well” with a conventional putter but wanted to try the long putter to see what all the fuss was about.

God expected some good-natured barbs from St. Peter, who is part of his regular group, but said with a chuckle, “I can handle Simon Peter. I’ve long known his weaknesses, both on and off the golf course.”

God characterized himself as a recreational golfer, yet declined to reveal how many rounds he has logged this year. Asked how much he plays, God simply said, “More than the Pope and less than President Obama.”

Next up, he added, is one of his favorite golf outings, the annual father-son tournament.

−The Armchair Golfer

Related:
Weary of Golf, God Rains Out Viking Classic

(This is an ARMCHAIR GOLF spoof.)

How It’s Done: Andres Gonzales at the Greenbrier Classic

PGA TOUR ROOKIE ANDRES GONZALES demonstrates the chip-and-run shot to perfection on the 15th hole of Old White at The Greenbrier Classic. Gonzales, self described as “half man, half amazing,” went on to card a 69 on Thursday but slipped to a 74 on Friday to miss the cut.

Gonzales is perhaps best known for his one-way Twitter conversation with Tiger Woods. It began this way:

“@TigerWoods my name is andresgonzales and I am a rookie on tour. I like elephants.”

Tiger was his idol growing up. Now Gonzales wants to be friends. And perhaps play a practice round with the 14-time major winner. A tweet in June:

“@TigerWoods qualified for the open today. Hate to say I don’t need a roommate because my family is coming. But I would be up for a p. round.”

And on July 2:

“My wife is at my sister’s bachelorette, so I found a different party. I need a date. I doubt you’re here but it’s worth a try...@tigerwoods?”

So far, no Tiger. No matter, the 28-year-old rookie is having fun.

Webb Simpson and Brendon de Jonge are tied for the 36-hole lead at The Greenbrier Classic. 2008 Masters champion Trevor Immelman is one shot back. Phil Mickelson missed the cut.

−The Armchair Golfer

Who Are Those Guys? Gary Woodland Edition

REMEMBER HOW IN “BUTCH CASSIDY AND the Sundance Kid” Butch (Paul Newman) and Sundance (Robert Redford) kept saying, “Who are those guys?” That line reminds me of the PGA Tour some weeks. Like last week, for instance.

Gary Woodland won the Transitions Championship at Innisbrook Resort while much of America was tuned into March Madness. That’s Gary Woodland. Gary Woodland. Gary. Woodland. You see, no matter how many times I repeat the name not much registers.

Here are two things I now know about Gary Woodland: He can hit a 5-iron 220 yards. He made 17 of 17 putts from within 20 feet of the hole on Sunday to shoot his third 67 (the other round was a 68) on the Copperhead course. Gary Woodland getting it done. Sort of like Virginia Commonwealth.

The basketball reference fits. Gary Woodland was an all-state high school basketball player in Kansas. His team won two state titles. Kansas Jayhawks coach Bill Self is in Woodland’s dream foursome. His favorite movie is “Gladiator.” His favorite food is steak. I still don’t know him. I wouldn’t recognize Woodland at a steakhouse, in an airport, or in a Bill Self foursome.

By the way, Webb Simpson and Scott Stallings finished second and third, respectively. Yeah. Simpson has been around but still makes my “Who Are Those Guys?” list. Stallings definitely does.

Cue Newman and Redford.

−The Armchair Golfer